The two sides – Good and Clueless


good and clueless

I have two personalities, not like one of them is the one which people see when I am okay and the other one suppresses it occasionally when I am mentally disturbed. Not like that, but more like the dualities of human behaviors that people are familiar with, except I wont actually call the two sides of my personality to be Good and Bad. I don’t think I have a personality that is bad, no I don’t. I am pretty sure that I have a good personality and the other personality is what I call “clueless”

Yes, that pretty much defines it. My good personality differentiates between a beggar who is healthy and the leper and convinces me to give some money to the leper. But the clueless personality just does not understand the difference it would make. It would look at me giving the money and then would sigh and go “Oh great! so what does that change? Why is that called good?”. It does not understand the concept of good and bad. There are a lot of other things that he believes, from which I am going to list down some I remember.

1. Good and Bad are nothing but abstractions created at some point by some human beings to maintain social stability. As per today’s society those definitions have changed, but the degree of change it should undergo has not been unanimously decided and that is what leads to most of our conflicts.
2. Love is nothing but your brain playing with you with all the feel good hormones, so that you can proliferate your species. But the true purpose has been covered with so many layers of abstractions in your brain that today love is just another emotion like happiness and sorrow and we usually do it without a purpose.
3. The only thing that differentiates human beings and the less intellectually evolved life on earth is the amount of stupidity that we can pull off.
4. Mother’s love is not unconditional. Beat me to death but its not. I can explain its logic and its evolution from something socially necessary to apparently unconditional.
5. We are alive by the very terms that human beings define life to be. I wonder if rocks have a definition of their own.
6. Because I believe in God, I know that God gave me brains to think and that he would not give me any extra brain than what is meant to be in my head. So if I can think and come up with proofs for non-existence of God with the very brains God gave me, I am either right about the proofs or God is very lenient with his children (and again, I really am a believer.)
7. You cant prove to me that the Matrix is not true.

Wow! Those were random, but yes that is pretty much the other side. You know I have a good side and I am happy that I do, though very few people know about it. However I am never disappointed with my other side. Because it asks a lot, debates a lot and it always wants to know why. You cant just come to me and tell that 8 hours of sleep is necessary. My good side might tell you okay and I might look convincing enough that I am listening, but you can be pretty sure that I will sleep like I used to sleep until I find the 8 hour thing has got some substance.
When my good side likes the feeling of love and smiles when it listens to a romantic song, somewhere there is the clueless side shouting out that its all just your brain playing with dopamine and correlating past experiences. And thank you clueless, I am never bored even when I am alone.


The Bond of Availability

I would like my life to be disciplined enough to be a point that even my time for breaks and time for calling and remembering people is decided and fixed. I really would like it to be like that. Matter of fact, I have even lived like that and I did not miss anything or found anything to be wrong. But I wont do it. Because the people around me do not like me like that. They like me to pick up calls when they call me, not just in the time window meant for picking up calls. They want me to talk to them at 3 in the morning if they are sad and want to share something. They want me to walk with them if they want company. They want things that definitely ruins my schedule, but I feel happy to do it.

It is true that I like my life to be well defined and structured. Not completely planned, but structured. However I don’t mind to break the structure for people  I love, people I care for and people who care for me. It is the very assurance that you will be there when they need you that makes life possible. If we all had a time schedule to work, a time schedule to help, to care, to just walk with someone, we will end up with a more structured but less human, life. I am pretty sure that one day when I feel like sharing some thing to someone the last thing I would like to see is a “Closed for today” board hanging on everybody’s  neck. Its the feeling of availability that makes you feel good.
Its that feeling of availability that assures you that when you are out on the road at the middle of the night or up from sleep at 3 in the morning, there will be someone who will arrange something to pick you up, there will be someone who will pick up the call.

It is for this availability that people fall in love. It is for this availability that people have close friends and it is for this availability that people some times even earn lot and spend money hiring people to serve them. They all desire for it, some get it from love, some from money, some from friendship, but we all get happy just by the thought, that we have it.

There are always some people who would come up and say that they like to live a solitary life. I have said that many time. Its not that these people always lie. But just a little bit of availability from other people makes their life worth living. Of course with availability comes the obvious con of expecting people to be available. And that is always the cause of distress in even the strongest of bonds. But then what fun is dinner if its all sweet. A little bit of spice makes it more palatable and that is exactly the way in which these distresses should be considered.

In short what we call bond among people, the bond of love, friendship or even the bonds of money like your cook, your employee and also the bond with animals and the bond with machines like your computer, or your simple ceiling fan can all be somewhere broken down into one major factor making them all strong – availability. Being a software engineer, availability is a term that we are well familiar with; but only associated with your website being up all the time and things like that. Had I known back then that it extends outside to everything around you, I would have certainly seen and done things in a whole new and different way.

Its not accepted by everyone when you break down something considered to be so complex as the feeling of a bond to something so simple, something which is just one word. But now it looks obvious enough to me, that the bonds we talk about so passionately and the things which make us happy are all just a matter of availability.

Morning crush

‘8:29 am’, “Shit! I am late.”. People say that the very first things you tell and do in the morning after you get up, very much determines how your day is going to be. Well if that is to be considered true, then I just made my entire day to come, prety much shitty and in a hell lot of haste. I rushed my way through all the morning chores and called my two friends with whom I had planned to leave for office. It was 9:15 already and they were not picking up my call.

I had my breakfast and rushed to their place. When you are in a rush, you are waiting for your friend and you eventually knocks on his door after waiting for too long, your friend in his innerwears are the last thing you wish to see. I had the dissapointed look on my face. They took the hint and got ready within the next 20 minutes. I was late and we started walking towards the main road from where we could get a rickshaw to office. As we walked by the sweet shop I saw a girl. I stopped talking and I know I had even stopped listening to what my friends were telling.

She was beautiful. Slim, sharp features and very fair, but what got my attention the most were her eyes. It was magical. With short-sightedness and no spectacles on, I cannot actually see things at a distance with all their detail. But I could see her eyes and they were truly magical. She looked at me, the awesome moment when you feel you can poke a person just by looking at her. She did not turn away. I felt good but I had to break the attempt of our eyes trying to break the ice. Your friends finding out that you are looking at someone and they then starting to look at that person wierdly is not so much preferred in such scenarios.

After a while I looked at her again. She was talking with her friend, funny I did not notice her friend the first time, but her eyes were still looking at me. I heard myself shouting a very loud “Yes!” inside my head. We had around 10 seconds more before I would walk past her, and both of us looked at each other for those 10 seconds. As I walked past her, I wished I could have walked a bit slower. I could now hear my friends again. Just few seconds later I turned back to look at her. She was not looking at me now, I wished she was, but I was still happy.

We got a rickshaw. I was thiking of the sequence of activities in your life that you are connected to. Had I slept early yesternight, had I got up early, had my friends got ready on time, had even one of these things happened, I could not have seen her. But now that I have, I wish to see her again. I asked my friend what time it was. “10 minutes remaining to 10”, he said. And now I knew what time I am going to leave for office from Monday. Sad, today is friday. There is going to be a two day gap. I just hope she remembers me, that she comes to this sweet shop everyday at the same time. I just hope that the sequence of activities favors me one more time.

Teenage vs. Adult Masturbation

There is a difference between a teenager masturbating and an adult doing the same. Now when I say teenager I mean some one who is newly introduced to the concept of jerking off. And most people remain a rookie mentally, till they are 19 or 20 and some cant get over the rookie stage even after that.

When a teenage shagger does his thing, of course he feels good and everything because hey, its biology. But after all the action and fireworks he feels bad, depressed, disappointed and disgusted in himself. Now I don’t quite know why we feel like that. You just cant ignore it by calling it a rookie mistake after all. It might be because they suddenly feel selfish that they played a team game alone, or because they feel sad for all the potential lives that are now no where even near or with the remotest possibility to reach an egg. But I guess considering the vast population of not-so-weird-thinkers who indulge themselves in this act, the primary reason to feel all those negatives is what you hear in your society. You keep listening to a varied version of many things that people say, all degrading PDAs, masturbations, casual sex and stuffs like that, since the time people think that saying asshole in front of you is okay. Even though I believe that the only men who never ever jerked off are either still babies or disabled, but it is as if the society we live in likes to make weird faces when they hear about such stuffs. In fact the word ‘masturbating’ on the very first sentence already might have got some of those weird faces. So basically its these talks that make the teenage shagger fall into the dark pit of depression every time he masturbates. He cant answer a phone in the middle of what he is doing and go “Please call another time. I am busy jerking off.” And the very fact that he has to hide it, makes him feel vulnerable after he has done it. But what he doesn’t understand is what makes him different from the adult masturbator.

A teenage masturbator graduates to an adult one, the moment he realizes that masturbation is just another bathroom secret. Adult Ms can do it with a reason, and so each time they are done, they don’t feel bad. They are happy and relaxed. For Adult Ms, masturbation is not like taking drugs in the closed down front seat of your car; its in fact more like getting up from the middle of a discussion and saying “Ladies, please excuse me, I need to use the bathroom”. They can masturbate after a long tiring day, to get a good sleep or just do it when there schedule is absolutely empty and they have some time to fool around. It takes years for a man to get to this stage; but once there, you can be sure that he has an open mind. A man who accepts masturbation as an intrinsic activity of human beings, is not ignorant. He can see many such aspects of life in a totally different unbiased perspective.

Thus I conclude, our society needs more of Adult Ms. And stop giving those weird faces when someone talks about sex or you see people kissing in a  movie; you are forcing Teeange Ms to stay like that and not graduate. If you want to move out of such a situation do it gracefully, please. Our world needs open minded Adult Ms. Give the world what it needs.

Shit got real

I am not going to mention about the incident but the one thing I can say with all surety is that Shit just got real.

Today, October 3, after a four day long holiday which included the weekends, October 2nd Gandhi Jayanti and the leave I took on October 1, I was finally back to office. In the past four days, rest was the last thing on my mind. I was constantly planning and working on many things and of course as usual my motivation among the many other factors which sound more morally correct was money.

However I was in no way aware that October 3rd had in its box a special gift prepared for me. Something that will blow my mind in a very negative sense. Very, very negative sense. Its the kind of blowing of your mind, where you can see the shattered pieces of your cranium all around. It may not be a big incident for many, but it was and still is one hell of an incident for me.

For starters, I got fucked. Not literally but I got fucked big time. And the reason I cant say what it is, is because I am still not out of the situation. But I am not sad or depressed, although for most people that might be the obvious reaction after this incident. I know, I have said ‘the incident’ a lot of times. I will say what it is as soon as I have solved it.

But I needed to post this, just to make sure I follow the below guidelines for handling this:
1. Although a huge problem, I will not be depressed. I will take it as a motivation to work more.
2. I wont let anybody else know about this problem. As far as possible, I will solve this alone.
3. I will talk about this incident only when I am out of this situation.

I have also written a post describing the problem I am in. So the moment it is uploaded, I will be one hell of a happy person who just solved a really shitty problem.

The evening Naps…

I hate evening naps. I hate it every time it happens to me and I sit there like the teenager who just masturbated, feeling not so good, disappointed and so guilty.

Usually I get such naps either because of improper sleep the night before or because I got too tired on the day, and these nap urges always strike me, though not so common, at around 4 or 5 o clock. Each time I lie down due to such urges I usually tell myself that it will just be a 20 minutes power nap, but deep inside I am very well aware of the fact that I am not going to open my eyes till the sun sets down. And that is what I hate about such naps. I don’t like sleeping through a sun set.

After you get up at such times, you have that 2 second confusion of whether its a new day. Then you get up realizing that it is in fact the same day and you have just slept through a sun set with your brain totally ignoring the 20 minutes promise. You know what is so terrible about sleeping through a sun set? When you sleep at 4 or 5, it is pretty much beautiful outside. The temperature is a bit calming as compared to the scorching afternoon and the sun is not directly above your head trying to point its UV ray gun at you all the time. When you sleep at this moment, you should get up before the sky gets orange-ish and the sun is down. Otherwise you wake up to an entirely new atmosphere. You were all good, with a bright yet nice climate outside and now its all turned dark, cold and purplish. Its like you slept through a journey to Hogwarts. you were there in London, slept in the train, opened your eyes and its Hogwarts.

Well yes we experience that every morning. I mean you sleep at night get up to something brighter, but don’t you see the difference in the transition. You sleep and get up to light. But when you sleep at 4 and get up to no sun above, you are confused as to why in the name of God did you even get up when you are just some hours away from a dinner and going back to sleep again. I mean the entire regime just gets shattered. I don’t know if that happens to everyone, but it all does happen to me.

And you know what is most disappointing after I think about all this? Sometimes I so wish that I should have actually opened my eyes to Hogwarts. I am not a huge Harry Potter fan, but hey a mysterious, beautiful looking, less polluting atmosphere on the earth!, of that, I am a huge fan.

Thunderstorms at my house

Thunderstorms have a weird effect in my house. Each major thunderstorm, the kinds which make your window panes go wild, the thunders are too loud and the lightning shines up your house more than all the CFLs turned on together, turns our house into a literal physics and chemistry lecture session. It does. It almost always starts with my mom’s grave fears of Lightning which keeps on rising with each thunder she hears, and my deep urge to calm her down.

My mom gets terrified when she sees a lightning and today unfortunate for her we had some close encounters with one of those freak shows. We stay on the 7th floor but with no buildings that high for at least a 1 km stretch ahead of us, every major rains and their complimentary winds have a direct hit at our windows. With the whistling sound in the bathroom, the rattle of windows and oh yes, sounds of sparks with the flashes, her astraphobia was on peak.

She came to sit with me in my bed room, some thing which makes me feel very uncomfortable when I am working. But anyways I had to make her feel okay, and so I continued working. What? What else should I do? If I was to sit close to her and talk to her, that will be like the apocalypse is near. So that leaves me with two more options – Panic or continue what I was doing.
It was all good, she was sitting there silent, full of goose bumps, occasionally looking at my room all over because of the obvious boredom along with the phobia, and then she said something, “Thunders were never this bad in Mumbai some 10 years back.”

That was it. My work had to stop. From there on I remember myself talking about how lightning should possibly be even more worse back then, how chances of getting hit by one of those has reduced over time, and  I also remember talking about gravity, inertia, atmosphere, also lightning and thunder, with full fledged diagrams.

She obviously did not let the session complete, as the thunders had stopped half an hour ago and she probably thought I should save some topics for the next time she comes for some assuring and soothing conversation.