Is this my purpose in life? My ultimate goal?
To be just a shoulder for people who need support, to wipe tears of people, to be the buffer zone – that zone of everyone’s life where they need someone just so that they can grab his arm and pull themselves off their despair and then once they are out, walk away, oblivious to the fact that the person wielding that arm may have had expectations of his own.
My parents taught me about Rama – the perfect human, Krishna – the intelligent manipulator and many such characters but none of those taught me the things that you laid as seeds in my mind, concepts that grew as principles that I consider now as moral supremity.
No one taught me to live like a winged man. Dropping by only when somebody needs you, solving their problem or just being there for them and flying away with no expectations left over in the mind, no emotions retained, inert, aloof. I thought of wings as just a symbol for freedom, this other interpretation must be your seeds then.
Did you even know that being like that wont be so easy. That it may lead to me being a person who one day cannot develop any new emotions, and will be left like a hollow body with no feelings, but just with a layer of skin and a mind that knows how to mould that skin and fake emotions. Or was even this in your grand master plan. To make me, a person who first fell in love when he was 10 years old, into a person bereft of anything that can make me a normal human with feelings and the tendency to fall into meaningless complications just because it feels good.
Remember my first love? How would you not remember that? Oh the fun you must have had just to see me helping, the person I loved for 5 years, to establish her broken relation with her ex-boyfriend who did not even love her back. And I did that for one year – One whole year – after which you made her leave her home and go to a place where I cant easily reach.
Remember all those short bursts of relations I had. Each, a girl with a problem she needed to run away from. How I wonder I only found such people and then each such meeting followed by her being with only me, away from everyone else, and just when I thought she is the one, she feels good and is ready to move on; and she does, from me.
The friend I loved dearest to me, taken away by you. The sister for whom I have let myself be hurt a number of times, snatched away from me. People say it is difficult to understand your ways; I have lived to learn that it can even be difficult to live by those ways.
But enough it is, enough of all the upstream swim that I tried. I dont know if I am grateful for this, but now I am what you wanted me to be.
The man, with wings to fly away from emotions of any kind. I am not certain of how much I believe in your existence, but I want you to be real; for I cannot tag everything as unfortunate co-incidences. I dont want my finger pointing to void. I may not yet know what lies in front of me, but I understand how I have to face whatever there is. But if someday I find this way wrong, I find your chosen method flawed, I will speak with you once again. People say you can never make mistakes, but now that I live by your terms. I dont listen to people anymore.