True Diary of a Man – I

Its sweet how you see that one girl from an entire crowd. She is no less a stranger than anyone else in that crowd, but even as you have only around 10 seconds to look at each scene that comes in front of your eyes , your vision is tunneled and narrowed down to that one girl as you watch her from inside a moving train.

When the train passes by her and you just have the memory of her to see her again, you try not to think of anything else; you ensure that she is the only one occupied in your mind at that point.
You try to see her again, and for that you close your eyes. Fair skin and a black kurti with a square neckline contrasting her body beautifully; the neckline low enough to show that slight cleavage. As the rest of the kurti sticks to her thin body you slowly admire her from a distance, trying to see her body whole. You move your mind away from her but still keeping her in focus, panning away to see her entire body. Wow! everything perfect. It’s amazing how your eyes filter through the entire crowd and find just that one girl for you. Her tender hands, her shapely legs wrapped tight in a skinny jeans, her slim waist that I wish I could hold and sway with her, her chest that also adored a small necklace with a tiny butterfly locket and her …

Fuck! You missed the face again!

Stop It! F*** You!

Fuck you heart! No wait, you don’t even have anything to do with it, you just pump blood innocently all the time, totally unaware of what kind of deep shit the brain is in sometimes. Sorry heart, and Fuck you brain! Ya you, up, on my head, fuck you!.
How can you still have idle time when I try to keep you occupied with work and studies all the time. How can you forget how much time we sat together and deduced many sayings, stories and experiences into one simple fact – “An idle mind is love’s workshop”. We had a deal! I keep you occupied with things all the time, you will not venture into the regions governed by complicated logics and ill-logics of love and romance.
I gave you work to keep you busy, studies to keep even your remote idle parts thinking, and creative constructions of many kinds to make sure both of your hemispheres have enough to feed upon. But you have not changed a bit.
When the whole world keeps accusing their heart for their emotional traumas and unwanted complex dilemmas, it is always you. The poor heart takes it all up for you, and you selfish prick, you keep your ways unchanged.
Learn something from Nikola Tesla’s brain. It was so perfect – always engrossed in work and avoided love and relations whole-‘brain’edly. Why cant you be like that, I know I should not be comparing brains like this, but hey if you quit being an asshole and cooperate with me, maybe I will stop all this.
At least let me blame things on the chain of thoughts. You are too obvious. I mean the other day I was eating an ice-cream, and enjoying it peacefully, and you fucking flashed love in my head. I sat there love-struck with absolutely nothing relevant, for a God damn half an hour. How can you even pop up love when all I did the entire day was work and I got up to have a cup of coffee? I mean, you don’t see a “Hot Singles in your area” pop up when you are reading about the ‘French Revolution’ on Wikipedia, do you? That is relevance, you ass. It should not be too hard for you to look up the meaning of that word in your vastly ignorant and bullshitted database.
You have had your chance, to play those hormones of love, and in the end it fucked up you, me and even the poor and remotely involved heart.
Hey, c’mon, we are homies here, closest buddies, literally – closest. Give me a little cooperation man. I mean I don’t want to be completely against love, and I am not, but its just that it doesn’t suit me that well. I have not yet forgot how beautiful it was when I was in love, the peace of mind I had, fights there were, but even the biggest fight, was small, very small in front of what we had and … What the fuck man! Stop it! Seriously!

A nothing I had, A nothing I have

It started as nothing and from somewhere there was more,
We came to know each other, and friends we were, or that was what we called,
We talked, we shared, we talked, and shared some more,
Bestest friends we called each other, there is a word called bestest we swore.
We got too close, we knew too much
But fate how weird, oh very much,

Problems and laughter grew up together,
Lesser friends or more we toggled so often.
Someone in the middle or we were the someone,
Troubles there were many, a new one with every meet,
But many tears shed after, dissolved were those troubles, dissolved and neat
At end it faded, and hands we held, and started a walk so wonderful, so sweet.

Oh how beautiful this is, Oh how beautiful you are, oh how sweet my life with you,
Oh hug me, let’s walk, oh kiss me, let’s talk, it’s too good to be not a dream,
But a dream it was not, a life ecstatic, Oh hug me, O kiss me once more
We watched sunsets together, stayed awake through dawn,
How wonderful this love has grown.
Is this love, Oh it is, and there will be no other,
As the one heart I had, is yours O lover,
Come hug me, Come kiss me, let’s walk a little more,
Oh let this road never end, Come hug me once more.

So beautiful a life, and work comes along,
I work, we meet, we talk,
More work on the way, I work and we talk,
We meet but rare,
when there is time to spare,
I work a bit more, I work and work,
we talk but rare, we meet so less,
Oh work so important, have I grown up so soon,
Let me hold those hands, Oh wait there is more work to do.
You tried, you cried, I tried and sighed,
but grown now we were, no dawns to wake by.

One hold, a kiss, or a touch will do, let’s meet like days we had before,
you came, I stood,
you went, I stood,
you broke apart the ties we had,
I stood, I stood, silent, I stood. I stood there, I stood so dead,
My pulse not mine, my heart betrayed.
Reasons you had, reasons I had,
but now you walk alone, and I here stand.
Can we walk one more time? Let’s give it a try, one kiss, one hug, let’s try, please try,
I pleaded, I cried, as I saw her frown, apologies and a no, as she, passed by.
I cried, I tried, I cried, I sighed.
Oh angel, my dear, Sorry, come back,
She flew, away, so soon, so far,

I stood, I cried, I knew I tried.
Get up, move on, let’s walk alone,
for now that’s what’s left, for now that’s my fate
I walk, aloof; I walk away,
from people, emotions, from beauty, from love,
I flew above, away from love,
away, away, to void, to null
I made a world that suits me now,
I lived my world, as a part of me died.
I walk with a smile, no sunsets to be bothered, no belief in wonders,
I see her again, as she comes on my path, my way,

She comes, she stands, she smiles and she stands,
I smile, I walk, away from her smile.
She runs, she holds my hand, I stop,
her eyes so curious, questions, a lot, to be answered by me.
The me you loved, the me you want,
that me is dead, that me is no more,
it waited for you, It pleaded it cried,
You hated it so bad, you never replied.
I can’t go against you dear, you know that I can’t,
How can I let someone you hate, live in my heart.
I killed it, strangulated,
an existence ablaze, forever, for life,
I did it for you my dear, for you, from care,
But, all that is left, is care, no love,
As the person that loved is dead, is killed,
for you my dear, for you, from care.
She cried, she sighed, her tears, I wiped.
Please smile, please smile, please live your life.
My life has stopped, as your hugs, your touch,
Now work is what I have, work is all I do,
But please don’t, give way to tears; I still, care for you.
She smiled, she hugged, some tears yet there.
We talked we smiled, we tried to laugh again.

We laughed, we smiled, and we talked a lot.
We talked a bit less, then, so rare.
From every day, we talked once in 7,
then 1 in 30, and now almost never.

It started from nothing, a start I did not expect.
But it started any way and nothing, now left.
Oh dear, my love, my angel, farewell,
But this end I now prolong, in this end, I will dwell.
You walk away, please walk, live great, be happy
But to move I can’t, forever, I stand.
I wish, just a dream, just one more time,
I could kiss and hug, I could walk and talk
I wish if again,
I could hold your hand.

A nothing it was, a nothing it is, a life worth living I lived.
A nothing I had, a nothing I have, but memories of your touch to live.