It has been a tough and lonely walk, all this time, although it has grown to be less tough gradually. Many of the people I spend my time right now with would be confused when I said lonely but there are a few among them who will understand.
I had started to live a mentally solitary walk like this, a life of solitude, not as something that was forced upon me but as a choice I had taken to be away from some of the apparently good things that life provides with companionship of any kind, that later could end up hurting me or putting me in some kind of emotional swamp. There are still people who coax me to take my chances and fall in love, get close to people and believe that it wont always be the same and many other things. I do respect what they say but I am tied with enough reasons, not to couple the respect with action.
Its not about taking risks any more, it is about doing more in all that I have, and here I am referring to time. I had already wasted a lot of my time in emotions and the reason I thought to have a stoic life is to stop wasting time in thinking about anything that is counterproductive. It may sound impossible, and for some it may sound a harsh, unnecessary and an overly-thought decision; and both of the perspectives are not wrong.
Backing up the former perspective, it has not been completely implemented till now. I am still there, with a small part of me seeking out for friends and love, a small part of my brain still reacting to every slow song with sad or happy nostalgia; but I have seen some progress at least and I am happy at where I am. I should not be stressing on “happy” as of now; I am still not sure of what kind of mixed emotional turbulence I go into sometimes, but yes at least, more productive it is. So yes, weeding out everything that deals with counterproductive emotions has not been a completely possible thing for now, but I have decided not to strain it any more – to keep things as they have become and now to rush or stress any more changes.
As for the second perspective, a harsh, and overly-thought decision it was, but not an unnecessary one; at least it was not how I felt about it, back then when I was framing a new set of rules to live by. And as far as overly-thought goes, then that is expected of me. That is what I do, that is how I am defined, and I absolutely don’t want to change that definition.
Why am I writing this right now? Did I feel nostalgic about something, or sad that I am lonely all of a sudden? Nope. I am alright. It is just that when you change from an introvert loner child to an overly expressive lad and then back to a man with every door of his mind shut close with only the occasional peep holes, speaking to yourself seems to be, sometimes, the best way to re-confirm your path. And that is what I am doing, just a reconfirmation before I resume my walk again on my ways of living.
As of now I don’t know if I will be changing anything or if I will be the same, but I am pretty sure that I wont be stressing towards anything that seems unnatural to my mind. I am going to keep it that simple, although avoiding some things specifically would always be there in the agenda. I cannot help that.
Usually I write such things, as a poem or something indirect. But as is evident, this entry is just direct, something random and I wanted to keep it that way. Hence the title – Just an entry.