Lost the touch of solitude

I have lost the touch of loneliness. I kind of used to be an expert on it. Living alone, keeping myself shut from others, not being close to people; that and many more things qualified me to be a really skilled solitude-man. But not in my dreams had I thought that one day I would drop my grades in it; lose my touch in the art.

It is an art, of course. Humans are social by instinct, and to go against that and be perfectly fine, productive and to shine; that requires a lot of upstream swimming. You have to define rules, boundaries, and still feel free. You have to always look for ways to escape before you get into any social situation, and fill your mind with enough things to accompany you, so that you will never miss being with someone other than you.

People would call being alone, a depressing idea; but I disagree; I was rather proud of myself for being good at it, for being a successful and a happy solitary man. But I think it all started to change from that day, when I had sought out for people. This tracks back to only about a month ago; I do not exactly know the reasons that led me into that scenario, in fact, I think I had no peculiar reason as such. What I can clearly remember is me calling out to my friends, desperately I must add, to make a plan, for a night out. “I want to be with people.” was what I repeatedly said; it kind of felt weird after that night passed, because that statement made me look like an alien in this world of people.

I did have a night out that night, and it was a good one. However, since that night, I kind of kept having a lot of hang outs, planned a lot of them, and planned rather frequently.

Two days ago I shifted to a new place. From a room shared with 5 other people, I shifted to a smaller apartment where I could live alone; something I had always wanted, or at least something I truly wanted before the weird “I want to be with people” night.

I, now, finally live alone, but now I miss people. I keep looking at my cell to see if there are any text messages, I keep thinking if I should call someone for a hang out. I have lost the touch of something that I was proud to be. I am not sure if it is something good or bad, but I surely do know, that I just need to let this pass by. I will be back on my track, filling my brains with enough stuff to keep myself occupied, leaving little time to think about others. However, I also am pretty sure, that from now, I wont mind missing people. I wont think twice before calling a friend if I feel like being with him or her. I do realize that with it, comes the attached traumas, like disappointment, expectations, plans getting cancelled, friend not responding, futile waits, and a lot more. But, that is collateral; maybe one day like seedless grapes and bananas, humans will devise a way to have happy attachments without the emotional-behind-the-scenes-trouble; till then I will try to spit out the seed, and enjoy the pulp and sweet juice.

I will be the solitude-man again, regain my touch; but I will blend it with just the right amount of people, friendship, love and emotions. And that, I think, is not a bad thing.

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4 thoughts on “Lost the touch of solitude

  1. I am like you. I dwell in satisfying solitude but then need a hit of people. I need connection. It’s ebb and flow. After connecting with others I am ready for a good bout of alone time in order to reflect on and assemble all the new images, ideas and thoughts that entered while I was out. This was a very self-aware and validating post. Thanks for putting your thoughts out there.

    • Thanks.
      Your comment kind of actually helps. Even after the post there were small pockets of doubt as to how exactly I can approach this new found urge to be social.
      The algorithm to follow is pretty clear now,
      Be alone but follow my heart. When it needs people, take it for a walk outside, hang out, and when it is alright, shut the doors and resume the peaceful solitude.

  2. Somebody really needs to proof-read your posts man ! they are less proof-read than samajwadi party’s election manifesto !!
    Nice thoughts though….a bit conflicting…but nice

    • 😐
      Thanks for pointing that out. My usual flow of blog posts is to just write in the flow of it and then it goes directly from my notepad to my blog.
      I should put some effort into proof-reading; more than just reading it a couple of times before publishing. However you are more than welcome to point out the errors in the current post, if that is possible for you. There might be a chance I might skip some even after I am done with the proof-reading.

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