Need a System

Today I give the day to myself, though a big chunk of today was spent in sleeping and coping up with a friend’s hangover, but now it’s for me.

I have thought enough, thoughts that can actually be called as extensions to many other line of thoughts in the same direction that I have had before. I should build a system for myself. A system to live, to do things, to be on track no matter what.
I reckon how much I like the characters of movies who have a system in their life, be it in the way they live, do their chores, or even fold their shirt. I have always wanted to be like that, and I have tried many times too, and there were phases in my life where I have had some success in it but now I want one which is perpetual.

I have lived a large part of my life alone, and another large part of life in the opposite way. And after living both the sides, I have found that I don’t always want to be solitary. I like company, may be not too attached but I still like to be around people, one of the glitches of being a social animal; I am not very sure if I should be calling it a glitch. When there are people involved, there are going to be times when you will be asked or sometimes compelled, to do things that are not exactly on your schedule, that is not exactly on track to what your system defines. Why does that happen? Well, because they are people, and you are too; given that there is no chip controlling us, we cannot be mechanically accurate about living a flow chart. We do have deviations. So I want a system that is fool proof in which it can also adapt, modify and be a system again.
Not very long ago, I was introduced to the concept of Wu-Wei, or the literal meaning – not trying, by a friend of mine. It states how your efforts should not feel like efforts; it should just flow, and adapt and adjust and then again, flow peacefully.

“Be water, my friend” – as Bruce Lee once said. Here is a video with Bruce Lee saying it (the quote is followed with a lot of his moves, which you can skip if you are not into “super awesome things that Bruce Lee can do”)

I want my system to be like that. Still, calm, peaceful and even if something comes up to interrupt the flow, like a pebble thrown in a pond, it should ripple only when it hits, adjust and then be back to being the system it was.

I saw this video that merges the concept of Wu-Wei with another concept laid forward to us by Malcolm Gladwell in his book ‘Outliers’. By this merger the host of the video tried to show how you could achieve the state of Wu-Wei. Malcolm Gladwell pointed out that all successfull people who are legendary in what they do, who look like they were born to do it, have done it constantly for a very long time. They kept doing it, day in, day out, for so long that now their body and mind responds to it, flows with it, and whatever it is that they were doing, is now part of them; be it playing a guitar or even abstract thinking. He gives a figure – 10000 hours; 10000 hours of practice, of doing what you want to be a legend at. The video I mentioned adds another line, that after doing it for so long, it becomes a habit. You no more try to play a tune, it just flows out of you. You think of a tune and your fingers will play it on a guitar without you putting efforts on your brain. That is Wu-Wei right there. Doing something without trying. Wake up regularly at 6 and then you do not need efforts, you do not need coffee; you will wake up, as if your sleep just naturally stops to continue any further after it is 6. That is Wu-Wei too.

I want a system that follows this principle. Something that I will do for so long, that then it will be a part of me; then I wont have to take efforts to follow it any more.

I have tried many systems, but I am going to rediscover myself. I will start from the scratch and keep trying different recipes till I get my system. Something that is rigid, yet flexible.
Something like water.
So today I take the time for myself. Today I start to make a system.

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Will you wait? (A short dialogue between love and logic)

I will be back; though I am very sure that you wont be here waiting for me when I do. But I will come any way, because I would rather be home and alone, than somewhere else and unsure.

What if I will be right here, when you come back; waiting for you, and happy to see you back? What if you will be welcomed with me running towards you, my tears leaving a trail behind me as I run and with heart beats so loud that you can hear it from a distance? What if I come and hug you and with it thank all the Gods above for your return? What then?

Will you?

I don’t know. It’s in the future, far ahead in time. I cannot be certain.

I know that it is far ahead in time, I know it is the future and I do acknowledge the uncertainties that lie on the path of any decision I thereby take. However, it would have been better to know that you were sure of being here, just like after all those unforeseen parameters, I am sure of coming back. I know you hate to talk without rationale. I know I may not be logical right now, but I wish, just for once, you answered a little stupidly.

Will that make you feel better; for me to say things without logic, to hope without reason, and to build castles in thin air? Why would that help?

It would not. But now, when every second brings more pain with it, every moment is slipping right through my fingers, and every step ahead paces me away from you; now when every smile counts. I would not mind a lie, some false hopes and some castles about to be destroyed. Now when I part, allow me  to part not with logic and reason, but with the final memories of a smile we share for dreams we both look forward to.
You could have given me dreams my dear, for reality, it seems, is not working out very well.
See you my love…

Minutes of ‘500 days of summer’

500 days of summer is this movie I just finished watching, though a part of this was written in the middle of the movie, with the movie paused. So watching the movie might help you to understand it better, but for those who have not seen it, its about Tom who believes in the magical love that many would like to believe in and live; and Summer, the girl who introduces herself as this stoic, painfully casual person, which she is, and who gives Tom a ride from a place full of one sided love, to happiness, and then lands him in lots of sorrow. Eventually, you would love them both. I would like to add more but if there is anyone really planning to watch the movie, I dont want to ruin it for them. I usually hate it when someone does that to me.

44 minutes after watching 500 days of summer:
I feel connected to Tom but I can associate more the behaviors and the ways of Summer with me, or at least the way I was, before 4 months; more precisely, the way I was since something that happened around 3 years ago and till something that happened 4 months back. A lot of apologies for being so highly indirect and vague. Well, why I connect to Tom? Because of things that happened in my life outside that time frame that I mentioned.
Why am I writing this in the middle of watching a movie? Because I felt to, and because I think I will have a different view to share after the movie ends.

After, 500 days of summer
Well, what can I say, I am disappointed that I could not share an experience that could let me shift from the person I connected to; that is from Summer to Tom. But towards the end, I just was watching the movie as a third person, not connected to anyone, and wishing I could. I know that I have changed a lot 4 months back or maybe got a bit like how I was before 3 years, with a mix of all that I went through in the period till now. But I wish I could have been more sure about the change, and about everything, like Summer, and like Tom towards the end.

I loved the movie, well scripted, well executed and most importantly, I kind of love the fact that it did not end the way I wanted it to. May be, sometimes, that is really important for you to like something.

Option A – What goes on different in the minds of the anti-socials?

Its that question that many ask themselves and few ask aloud in a crowd.
What is it that a criminal mind thinks that doesnt make him stop while he does a crime?
What is it that a sadist has it going in his head which prevents him from regretting after an act of sadistic self gratification?

The small thing that happened today might not be a big answer to it all, but in some way might answer some of it in a small fashion.

Due to some recent activities that went around in my life, and some recent urges to make a simple contraption to do something that had an easy and cheaper alternative, I had managed to penetrate a knife one inch down in my left hand, in one of those dreaded spots – the place between your thumb and the index finger. I walked for around 30 minutes in a vest and a colored track pant before I could find a doctor. She helped me crack jokes about my injury and the many holes on my muscles and tissues. She assured that I will have a huge swelling within few days and work would be something that I would have to postpone for at least a week.

Having said that, this is one of those injuries, that more than the physical pain, irritates you throughout the day and refrains you from doing anything wholeheartedly; like how I behaved when I was in the bathroom managing to get a shower without getting my injured hand wet. In the process I dropped the hand shower with a huge noise, a noise that makes you sure that something is broken; something was, and it was not my tiles. I did not care about it until the shower was done, and after it was done, I did not care enough. I just picked it up, held it straight to see if it leaks; which I discovered that it did, and then threw it in the half empty bucket. (saying the “half empty bucket” makes me a stereotypical pessimist).

After that when I opened my bathroom door for my evening shower, which happens when I am too bored, too dulled out, and too lazy to take a walk; I heard the sound of water dripping down. It had just started, the sound, which initially sounded like drops soon became a steady stream of water which I soon found was from the now overflowing bucket where I had threw the hand shower. Did I care to do anything now? Well that is a different thing. The primary thing to focus on is what I thought about it.
Two thoughts spawned in my head, and they are presented below in the order in which they had spawned.
A. Why did it start right when I entered the bathroom? It was as if the bucket was waiting for me to come, so that it could over flow and show me that I should have cared more, that the carelessly performed inefficient task for not wasting the water, was not good enough.
B. Or did it actually wait for me to enter, so that I could just introduce a new empty bucket to do the job? So that I can still carry on with my ways so long as I know when it has leaked enough.

Now the question that we asked formerly – Did I care to do anything now? Yes. Yes I did. I changed the bucket.

And that explained a lot to me even while I was doing it. I did not care much to do anything like calling the plumber or even thinking for a better solution. And that is what makes it worse. Now the question which had set the premise to this all – What is the difference in the ways and thoughts of people who we call antisocial and the others? Simple. They do what they do even after they know that they have an option A. They ignore it, or lie to themselves, or justify their choice, and in the end give way to sinful conveniences and regrettable actions. Eventually, they get good at it, sometimes to even a point where they don’t ever hear option A anymore.

The difference, the only one that really matters is Option A, and this should also be taken in a good way (see I am not that much of a pessimist after all). The way this is good is obvious, it assures, that we all have a side that knows the Option A, and even after a person has walked for a long time with Option B, he can still be pulled back to listen to that side.

A-dios!

Those sitcom laughter scores in real life

…and then I heard that typical background laughter that you hear, in sitcoms to make you realize which part was funny and also in movies sometimes to portray people laughing at somebody.
It starts with a group of laughters starting all together, not too loud, but loud enough to be heard clearly, and ends with all of those laughters stopping at the very instant.

I never usually hear such laughters in real life, but now I did, and the place where I heard it, it now seems obvious to be the place where I can easily hear them a lot – my office.

Well the trigger was something simple and not so funny. Someone got a text and that someone apparently had a baby’s wierd voice for his message tone. That usually gets some people going. For me, baby sounds are usually scary; that is something that can be discussed about later.
So yes, people laughed and they all laughed in that very typical way, that sitcom background score laughter, that tells you it is time to laugh. And you know what, I think that is exactly what was going on over there.

I mean such laughters are not always genuine. In an office when some wierd message tone goes off, you wont see everyone laughing, because
A. it is not a big deal, and
B. You are in an office, your workplace, where no matter how indifferent to work protocols you are, you are still a bit sober than your usual self.

But there are always some people, whose laughters can be triggered off by anything at all. You must have met such people. The kind whose laughter tresholds are so low, that many a time when you talk with them in a hotel, you have absolutely no freaking idea of whether they are laughing at what you said, at you, or the man who just moved three tables away.

Any way, so such people start laughing, because, well, that is what they do; which gives courage to people around them who were about to laugh but would usually restrain, to laugh. And the chain goes on till these laughter vibes meet people who are usually sitting alone and would not be looked and judged by anyone to not laugh or people who are usually indifferent to baby sounds for a message tone.
This reaction is so fast, you almost feel  that these people started all at once.

But then the other question is, who stops first? The ones who laugh frequently or the ones who would have restrained to laughter had they not heard the frequent ones laughing first. Well I dont know that yet. Actually, both bunch could stop first.
The frequent laughers can stop first, because they did not laugh to prove to people that they could enjoy something that small, so they will stop soon enough, because given the context, if they laughed for a really long time for something that trivial, they need help. This leaves the restrained laughers still laughing and realizing that it is about time to stop and then they stop soon enough.
Or, the restrained laughers, even though started the laughter under social pressure, soon stop because they realize the triviality of the context and thereby are apprehended by the fear of looking stupid. And the frequent ones just stop soon after them, because they too, dont want to look stupid or be the last ones to stop laughing.

In the end, it is very much similar to those sitcom laughters in a way, in which the frequent laughers triggered the non frequent ones, and they as a bunch have made the other non involved bunch realize that the thing which just happened, was kind of funny, at least for some.
And it also shows a great deal about those movie laughters that happens to demean someone. It shows that crowd opinions are not always unanimous. It might feel that they as a whole consider something or someone is worth a demeaning laugh, but in reality many just give way to social pressure. In reality, you would almost always find a variety of opinions and colors even in an apparently monotonous group.

After an idle day

It takes a great lot of ignorance towards guilt and suppression of anxiety to overcome one day of rest when you should not be resting at all.
At least for me it does.

And as such I was sure that I would be unsure of my feelings towards the end of the day, which has now arrived.
In a few hours I would have my dinner and close my eyes from an utterly un-productive and completely idle day. But I should not feel so bad after all.
My friends, my family, and some who barely know me, complain and sometimes just point out that I work too much and I stress too hard. Even after not being a figure remotely close to a complete workaholic and monotonously boring man, I do hear those remarks a lot.

And so towards this end of this day, I am having a small debate with me, not of whether I should be feeling bad or not about wasting the entire day, but just about whether or not I should leave for work before the sun rises tomorrow, and which excuse I should make then for those who were connected to my work.
Well thus, is the end of each of those rare days I spend doing nothing. The poetic blissful descriptions of people lying down on grass, with nothing but the horizon surrounding them, with a shower of light and a stream of idle time, thus does not seem a very practical option for me. I don’t if know this is a good thing or something bad, for we have equally weighted arguments for both sides of this debate.

So I will just go take a shower, forget about the day, plan for the ones to come, and resume the show.

Stuck again in this Spot

It had stopped, all of it and now it is back again.
This anxiety or more, oh it rips apart my brain.

It was done, and over, or so I thought at least,
But now that you met again, it has been unleashed.

It wants you to be there, always and ever.
Not a single second without, not a single, and never.

But I know its not possible, or at least a part of me does,
and it fights with the other, oh what a wonderful fuss.

I know it is bad, I know, healthy, it is not,
But still now again, I am stuck in this spot.

I love you Oh dear, so much, so I know,
But do you too as much, Oh this doubt, but why so?

I know it is bad, I know, healthy, it is not,
But you have shown me now, that I was always in this spot.