But then…

…and then with all that excitement I really wanted to talk to someone.
I was completely ecstatic and I had no exact reason why, and I wanted to talk about all this to someone. My eyes were frantically in search of someone to speak with.

There she was, sitting on the bench just some steps away from me. Who better to tell than her? Not everyone understands me the way she does. She seems to be sitting like that for quite a while now. She looked all still, motionless, I wondered if she was in one of those moods. I hoped not.

“Hey! Hi. You free?”
She looked at me, expressionless, and took efforts to reply back, “Yes. But I am in one of those “want to be alone” mood. You understand right?”
“Oh yes, totally.” I reacted instantaneously. I left.

Yes I did understand it. It was like one of our codes – if either of us tells the other that they want to be in that mood, the other person just lets that person be in that state. Many reasons and a lot of past has gone into each one of us making this rule, and it works for us. This is why we can understand each other so well, because we connect, not just by the normal ways people connect, but by such unsaid rules, and many more unwritten codes of conduct. Rules that we created because we feel comfortable within them.

But now, I am blue, distressed. That feeling, that good one that I had moments ago, comes to me in unexpected short bursts and when it comes I so wish that it will stay. In those few moments, I totally forget the reasons why those bursts have become this short; but now I am sad again; the burst is dry.
I wish I could talk to her about how sad I am now. But then we have a code. I wish we had none, but we do.

Oh! Its friendship day today. Ironical. How I want to talk about this irony to someone? But then…


Last day at company (LDAC)

farewell mail

or Last day at company, the abbreviated form of which – with ‘C’ replaced by our company’s initial letter – is usually used as a mail subject line when people are leaving our company.

Since the past few months, I have received quite a few LDAC mails. As in our company LDAC mails are one of the few mails that can be sent to the entire employee base, we get LDACs of even people we don’t know. Such mails do not make you think quite so much. However this week there has been two LDACs already, and I already know of one more that is to come.
Two of which are from people who are going to leave the country for future education while one may still be around for sometime, but you never know.

The thing with LDACs from people you know, is even though you have a fair amount of idea that such a mail will be seen in your inbox, but at the moment you finally receive one, you are in a mixed emotional state. Kind of how it is to be a commitate whose friends are getting committed; but for a whole different set of reasons and a different set of emotions on the palette.

Every LDAC from a friend simply implies one less friend in the company. A company can soon feel like a machine with you guys working like gears to help it run if you don’t have friends in it. Friends make you feel comfortable in your company, and that is really very important. When you have friends at your office, you have people with whom you can plan things and you don’t have to worry if your work time may clash with theirs’, you can pause from work for a moment and take a walk from your cubicle away with a friend, or you can just chat with them during office hours without being too formal. I am not saying that I always do all of that, but at least having the option to do it, sounds better.
So every time you see an LDAC from a friend you feel more like a gear. And then comes the added horror of whether they will be in contact. I mean they were in contact till now but then that might be, just because you guys had similar work timings and easy access. But with friends leaving your workplace, the fear of getting deserted becomes clearer, as now you start thinking if they will come, any more, for hangouts, chats, celebrate birthday parties and all the fun stuffs you used to have. I have kept seeing friends getting lost in the crowd from school till now, and now even though a major part of you is used to that fact; there are some friends in the crowd of colleagues that you were not expecting to have initially, and now that you do have some good bonds, no matter how used to it you are, a part of you always wants to not let go of them.

However you cannot be all sulking. They left probably for something better, and you should be happy for them. Something good is happening to them and that is something that forced you to be happy for them even though a major part of your brain is still coping up with sorrow and horror. But that is not all. There is another emotion which sneaks in at this point; and this emotion is not alone. It is a thug which usually comes with a gang to bully you.

Confusion, doubts and restlessness team up to you and they all torture you with question marks as their preferred tool.
“Why are you still here?”
“Is it not time for you to move on like them, maybe to a different company?”
“Future Education?”
“Do you have any plans?”
“Is it not about time that you have some?”

And many more, and all you can do is just sit there either answering them or listening to those questions. Either way you are bullied, but if you have answers you can get away faster, if not, let God help you.
The questions these thugs pose even overshadows the sweet questions that you should be thinking about like,
“What should I do for them on their last day”
“Where should we plan the farewell party?”
“Should I be giving a gift? What should I give?”

And after the end of the emotional chaos that can last anywhere from between 5 seconds to 5 minutes inside your head things finally settle down and you start thinking of a reply mail. You have to have a reply; that is a friend, leaving.

And I did. I did reply to them, framing my sorrow, horror, happiness, confusion, doubts and restlessness, in words that sound gentle subtle and thoughtful. I did not actually let my emotions guide my fingers as I was typing a reply mail, otherwise the mail would have pretty much been a gibberish full of half framed irrelevant sentences. I would keep that reply for the farewell party :-), if we have one :-(, I hope we do :-|.

Just an entry – I

It has been a tough and lonely walk, all this time, although it has grown to be less tough gradually. Many of the people I spend my time right now with would be confused when I said lonely but there are a few among them who will understand.

I had started to live a mentally solitary walk like this, a life of solitude, not as something that was forced upon me but as a choice I had taken to be away from some of the apparently good things that life provides with companionship of any kind, that later could end up hurting me or putting me in some kind of emotional swamp. There are still people who coax me to take my chances and fall in love, get close to people and believe that it wont always be the same and many other things. I do respect what they say but I am tied with enough reasons, not to couple the respect with action.

Its not about taking risks any more, it is about doing more in all that I have, and here I am referring to time. I had already wasted a lot of my time in emotions and the reason I thought to have a stoic life is to stop wasting time in thinking about anything that is counterproductive. It may sound impossible, and for some it may sound a harsh, unnecessary and an overly-thought decision; and both of the perspectives are not wrong.

Backing up the former perspective, it has not been completely implemented till now. I am still there, with a small part of me seeking out for friends and love, a small part of my brain still reacting to every slow song with sad or happy nostalgia; but I have seen some progress at least and I am happy at  where I am. I should not be stressing on “happy” as of now; I am still not sure of what kind of mixed emotional turbulence I go into sometimes, but yes at least, more productive it is. So yes, weeding out everything that deals with counterproductive emotions has not been a completely possible thing for now, but I have decided not to strain it any more – to keep things as they have become and now to rush or stress any more changes.
As for the second perspective, a harsh, and overly-thought decision it was, but not an unnecessary one; at least it was not how I felt about it, back then when I was framing a new set of rules to live by. And as far as overly-thought goes, then that is expected of me. That is what I do, that is how I am defined, and I absolutely don’t want to change that definition.

Why am I writing this right now? Did I feel nostalgic about something, or sad that I am lonely all of a sudden? Nope. I am alright. It is just that when you change from an introvert loner child to an overly expressive lad and then back to a man with every door of his mind shut close with only the occasional peep holes, speaking to yourself seems to be, sometimes, the best way to re-confirm your path. And that is what I am doing, just a reconfirmation before I resume my walk again on my ways of living.

As of now I don’t know if I will be changing anything or if I will be the same, but I am pretty sure that I wont be stressing towards anything that seems unnatural to my mind. I am going to keep it that simple, although avoiding some things specifically would always be there in the agenda. I cannot help that.

Usually I write such things, as a poem or something indirect. But as is evident, this entry is just direct, something random and I wanted to keep it that way. Hence the title – Just an entry.


A nothing I had, A nothing I have

It started as nothing and from somewhere there was more,
We came to know each other, and friends we were, or that was what we called,
We talked, we shared, we talked, and shared some more,
Bestest friends we called each other, there is a word called bestest we swore.
We got too close, we knew too much
But fate how weird, oh very much,

Problems and laughter grew up together,
Lesser friends or more we toggled so often.
Someone in the middle or we were the someone,
Troubles there were many, a new one with every meet,
But many tears shed after, dissolved were those troubles, dissolved and neat
At end it faded, and hands we held, and started a walk so wonderful, so sweet.

Oh how beautiful this is, Oh how beautiful you are, oh how sweet my life with you,
Oh hug me, let’s walk, oh kiss me, let’s talk, it’s too good to be not a dream,
But a dream it was not, a life ecstatic, Oh hug me, O kiss me once more
We watched sunsets together, stayed awake through dawn,
How wonderful this love has grown.
Is this love, Oh it is, and there will be no other,
As the one heart I had, is yours O lover,
Come hug me, Come kiss me, let’s walk a little more,
Oh let this road never end, Come hug me once more.

So beautiful a life, and work comes along,
I work, we meet, we talk,
More work on the way, I work and we talk,
We meet but rare,
when there is time to spare,
I work a bit more, I work and work,
we talk but rare, we meet so less,
Oh work so important, have I grown up so soon,
Let me hold those hands, Oh wait there is more work to do.
You tried, you cried, I tried and sighed,
but grown now we were, no dawns to wake by.

One hold, a kiss, or a touch will do, let’s meet like days we had before,
you came, I stood,
you went, I stood,
you broke apart the ties we had,
I stood, I stood, silent, I stood. I stood there, I stood so dead,
My pulse not mine, my heart betrayed.
Reasons you had, reasons I had,
but now you walk alone, and I here stand.
Can we walk one more time? Let’s give it a try, one kiss, one hug, let’s try, please try,
I pleaded, I cried, as I saw her frown, apologies and a no, as she, passed by.
I cried, I tried, I cried, I sighed.
Oh angel, my dear, Sorry, come back,
She flew, away, so soon, so far,

I stood, I cried, I knew I tried.
Get up, move on, let’s walk alone,
for now that’s what’s left, for now that’s my fate
I walk, aloof; I walk away,
from people, emotions, from beauty, from love,
I flew above, away from love,
away, away, to void, to null
I made a world that suits me now,
I lived my world, as a part of me died.
I walk with a smile, no sunsets to be bothered, no belief in wonders,
I see her again, as she comes on my path, my way,

She comes, she stands, she smiles and she stands,
I smile, I walk, away from her smile.
She runs, she holds my hand, I stop,
her eyes so curious, questions, a lot, to be answered by me.
The me you loved, the me you want,
that me is dead, that me is no more,
it waited for you, It pleaded it cried,
You hated it so bad, you never replied.
I can’t go against you dear, you know that I can’t,
How can I let someone you hate, live in my heart.
I killed it, strangulated,
an existence ablaze, forever, for life,
I did it for you my dear, for you, from care,
But, all that is left, is care, no love,
As the person that loved is dead, is killed,
for you my dear, for you, from care.
She cried, she sighed, her tears, I wiped.
Please smile, please smile, please live your life.
My life has stopped, as your hugs, your touch,
Now work is what I have, work is all I do,
But please don’t, give way to tears; I still, care for you.
She smiled, she hugged, some tears yet there.
We talked we smiled, we tried to laugh again.

We laughed, we smiled, and we talked a lot.
We talked a bit less, then, so rare.
From every day, we talked once in 7,
then 1 in 30, and now almost never.

It started from nothing, a start I did not expect.
But it started any way and nothing, now left.
Oh dear, my love, my angel, farewell,
But this end I now prolong, in this end, I will dwell.
You walk away, please walk, live great, be happy
But to move I can’t, forever, I stand.
I wish, just a dream, just one more time,
I could kiss and hug, I could walk and talk
I wish if again,
I could hold your hand.

A nothing it was, a nothing it is, a life worth living I lived.
A nothing I had, a nothing I have, but memories of your touch to live.

Ya 2013, Hop in. Happy New Year.

For the past 1 week or above there had been these questions that constantly lingered in my head, “What should I do on the new year?What should I be doing when the clock ticks 12 on 31st December? How should I welcome 2013?” I could not get a proper answer. It was not that I always welcomed new year with a bash and a kiss as the clock bangs to 12 with fireworks lighting up the sky. In fact, I can recollect very clearly how I have spent my earlier ‘New Year’s Eve midnights’ or at least of the past 4-5 years. Let me see,

Dec 31st 2008: I was in my living room, with my table lamp and television on. I remember watching some media coverage of a discotheque. Full of hot girls and dance moves, it was too hot to be played with volume.

Dec 31st 2009: I guess I was in a relationship this time. I remember talking on the phone the entire night. So basically I welcomed the 2010 by burning my brains with my phone’s radiation.

Dec 31st 2010: I was no more in a relationship. Having went through a break up just 3 months back I spent my entire time with my desktop and codes.

Dec 31st 2011: Having swore to my life that I will never fall in love again, I was still working. I remember myself sitting on the bed with a laptop as I could see people howling outside at the tick of 12.

Well, I tried to make various plans for tonight. Beach parties, pubs, discotheques or even just a huge hotel where I can find a good attractive crowd of the opposite sex. Anything from those would do, and I was totally excited to go for it. However on the morning of the last day of 2012 I was pretty sure that nothing huge was going to work out. So I just gave a middle finger to life and planned to sit down and work some extra hours. As I was leaving from the office, my friend called me up and said that some of them are outside my company waiting for me to join them for a spontaneously planned dining party.

Even though my plans were definitely huge than a dining party but c’mon a dinner with friends is better than sitting inside my room with my laptop. So I went for it. After a pathetic sweet corn soup and an over-colored dish, we started having fun with the usual jokes, sarcasms and more jokes.
Earlier that day when my ex-manager wished me for the new year as she was leaving office today, she also asked me what my plans were for tonight. When I said nothing she just said “Do anything but coding. At least for tonight.” God I must have such a nerdy impression on everybody. But, hey, fuck it.

So here I was away from my laptop and the blue screen, with my friends having dinner. On my way to room my roommates told me to get chicken. As we got home we prepared chicken and soon enough we were eating chicken, having fun, and some of them even getting themselves a bit drunk.
Before it was 12, I knew I was thinking about 1 person the most. No matter how hard I try to not think of that, there is always this one person lurking in your head. But at the tick of 12, all of us huddled together and started hopping around with loud asynchronous shouts of Happy New Year. That bit of craziness totally flushed out the lurking person from my head. As we sat down and started devouring whatever was in front of us, I tried recollecting all my past new years. The last 5 years or above I spent my New Year’s mid night with TV, or a Phone, or a desktop, a laptop, basically anything but humans.
Of course this time there were no disco lights, DJs, hot girls, a crazy crowd, but still considering my past track record of new year celebrations, this was better. And oh yes, New Years Resolution. I thought about it, and like all previous new years I am not going to fall for that stupidity.

So as an ending note … (though this is rather ironic to be an ending note), Happy New Year everybody.

Mixed emotions of a Happy Commitate

‘Another friend on the way towards a commitment’. Gosh! every time a female friend gets committed I go through the perfect example of what you call as a mixed emotional state. After a life of chosen celibacy (actually a very customized version of celibacy. One that only excludes commitment. Lets call it “commitacy”) every time a lady friend comes to me and talks things which makes me imagine big neon signs on her head with arrows pointing towards her with the caption “Commitment Alert”, I feel both happy and depressed. You know it is one of those phases of life when you are so happy for a friend getting something she wants and likes a lot and at the same time you even feel depressed that you have one less person to flirt with now. For a man, who has chosen the beautiful path of commitacy it is the occasional flirts and casual dates that makes his road more pleasant.
O don’t give me that “That is so Selfish” look. Its not about being selfish. Its the way a person with a solitary life living in a slum neighborhood feels when one of the neighbors knocks up his door and tells that they are leaving to an apartment in a big residential society. The man will smile and will be so glad that they are moving on for something good, but he also feels sad that he is loosing a neighbor. Not that he ever even planned to visit his neighbors, plan trips with them and all that, but even for a solitary person the idea of not even having an option to be social if ever he feels like it, sucks.
Think of the lady who doesn’t want to have a child ever in her life, and think about how she feels when her medical report shows that she cannot ever have a baby.
Now none of the above two options exactly match what I am feeling, because neither is a commitate (adjective form of commitacy) is in a bad position as compared to his committed friends like the solitary slum guy compared to his neighbors, nor does he ever wish to have an option to be committed to his friends like the ‘no-baby lady’ would later wish to have a baby. But the point is, when a friend gets committed, suddenly, I fall under the pit of realization of how eventually everybody is going to go the same way. You don’t realize that when you have friends with whom you can flirt around, go for casual dates and give them gifts occasionally.
So what will my plan of action now? Nothing! I am going to put on my headphones, grab something to eat and play a music which will make me feel good about my newly discovered word “Committacy.”. And about the whole friends getting committed and me constantly being pushed in the “pit of realization” phenomenon; well, there are some events that are best left alone, and some feelings that are best when left uncontrolled.
Feel happy -> Realize something -> Feel depressed -> Let it go -> and stay smiling. Simple!

Happy Ride…

It all actually started with me watching “Little Manhattan”. As I was watching the movie I seriously was a bit, how do you I say it, ashamed and embarrassed by myself within, as I had spent my entire Sunday, working and then watching two Barbie-like movies (I had watched “Hairspray” earlier), even though one of the major reasons for it was that I had fallen short of collections. As the movie ended I actually opened notepad and started writing about true love and how I miss it and some stupid more Barbie-like things with the intentions of finally posting it here. But God saved me with a phone call from a friend.
“Come down soon, we are going to burger barn.” was the divine statement that prevented my deviant thoughts of love and posting about them. And from there it was one sudden and unexpected car ride to Burger Barn, eating the spiciest Chicken Burger in my life, looking at girls around and talking about their … ahem .. about them, crashing at MOD for some donuts, eating the mintiest ‘paan’ ever and spitting it out before the third bite and finally back home. After that two of us just spent the rest 2 and a half hour walking around talking about life, present and the past, digging up several graves and reassuring that most of the things that lay in those graves were dead for good. It is a usual thing… friends hanging out and talking about their past. It many a times helps in reconfirming that it was all for good; except the very occasional talks which ends up with you regretting about something even more, and ending up depressed and crying that you should not have talked about it at all. But luckily this conversation did not end like that, in fact after this entire time the only three things that I carried along with me were:
A. I can eat anything spicy, very spicy… but I cannot handle too much mint.
B. I did good by not completing that blog about love and posting about it.
C. I am definitely going to blog about this.


Why did I post about it? Because I felt to, that’s why.