Do not turn back now

Do not turn back. It would not be a good idea to turn back now. Keep moving forward, though the path looks tremendously tortuous with a myriad number of dark areas, but keep walking. Walk through the shades if you feel they are the right turns, you eyes will be accustomed and you will be able to see.

Do not stop now, do not turn back, because you have walked through that way, and whatever was there was not good enough to keep you entrenched. You moved away from it and thus you stand here. What lies ahead may be good or bad, but donot vacillate now, for what lies behind is conspicuously not enough.

The Fall

I see myself being devoured in darkness. An abyss, the infinite depths of which scare me as I am being pulled more into it; fear takes hold of me as I pace down, uncertain of when the fall will stop, of when it will end, and along with it, may be my own life.

I know that the sooner I touch ground, the sooner I will cease to live, for the fall accelerates, buffered by nothing. There is absolutely nothing to hold on to, and even if there is; the darkness yields no vision of such an object. I wish I had seen more clearly as I walked, as I trod the paths that led me now, though unwillingly, here.

Has there been more great a dilemma, as the one I face now? A part of me is clinging onto life, praying that this fall should never stop, that a ground beneath should not exist. And there is another part which wants this trauma to end, to meet the ground, to stop being in the anxiety that hurts more than my heavily pounding heart. The former is definite of its fate – would there be no end to the fall ever, life is certain. The latter however is not sure – will it be hard ground, or will it be something that will absorb the impact, that will help me land alive and not crash to my doom.

Though confused the other part is, but more reasonable its desire. For a life with worry, a life only to exist, one with the sole purpose of being alive is more stagnant than death itself. You may still move, you may still breath, but only that much differentiates you from the dead.

Though confused the other part is, but more reasonable its desire. For it is better to take a risk, to be sure eventually, than to be at the mercy of a fall. You may live at the end and develop more purposes to be alive, more dreams, to live for; or you may encounter death, but the prospect of a better life, a life where you live, is better than to just exist. A risk taken to gain a life with more possibilities is better than one with no real purpose.

So now, I dream. I close my eyes, ignore the fall, the strong drafts that pushes my skin inside. For now, I dream, of what I would do when I live, I will plan of my steps once I land, I will be ready for my life, if it comes, as soon as this fall stops.

I may hit hard ground, but till then I would not spend my time praying for the fall to last; instead, ready for life, I will make myself, if life, not doom, is what awaits at the end of this fall.

Give me a weird creature

Give me a weird creature.
A creature that is not stupid for lack of brains, but because he chooses to be stupid.
A creature which has abundance, but chooses to ignore it for something trivial.
A creature with eyes to see, but a blind intellect.
A creature which, though can hear, cannot receive; though can touch, cannot feel.
Give me a creature that can forget the womb it came from, the land it thrived on.
A creature so bright, yet so dark at heart.
Give me a creature, that can kill its own kind.
But let that creature have a heart to know love, yet make it hard for it to recognize.
Give the creature, the mind to care, yet a memory to forget.
Make the creature the best that ever lived, yet the most deserving to die.
Give me a weird creature.

Funny thing about lying to yourself

Funny thing about lying to yourself?
You start with one, or a couple of lies, that you tell to yourself. But then you have to keep adding more lies; keep stacking it. Then it comes to a point where you are surrounded by it, like a wall, but not thick enough to prevent peeps. Hence, you feed the wall with more lies, and soon, there is no padding, no space left between you and your lies; you are covered by it. Soon, you are, the very lies you told to yourself. But you don’t stop creating lies; you now feed yourself with it; with every new friend, every new question, you eat more, making yourselves immune from doubts, and later, preventing yourself from an identity.
Funny thing about lying to yourself?
You may just forget, what the truth was.
For now, the lie is what you live.
For now, the lie, is what, you are.

An urgent post! Emotions have broken loose :D

I have absolutely no idea how to start this post and so I would just like to confess it. Turns out this was a good start, after all.

I am deleting every line at least three times before I finally decide on something to write, hahaha, it never was this difficult. But then, there are too many things to do and so many things are hogging up my head. However today there is nothing that is making me go sad, depressed or worried. I am simply ecstatic. Why? I have absolutely no freaking idea why.

I can see words and stuffs flashing across.
Love
Work
Hobbies
Wishes
Aims
Friends
Family
A house
Music
A concert
A youtube channel
Some more certifications
Martial arts
Masters
Being an author
Artist
Movies
My story
NGO
Speech…

A perfect life? No I want a life filled with life. Filled with every thing I like. I am concerned that it may get cluttered. But a cluttered table is better than a boring one. I can clear up the clutter. And once it is cleared, I will have a table full of stuffs I wanted to have – a life full of life; full of me. 🙂

Just an entry – I

It has been a tough and lonely walk, all this time, although it has grown to be less tough gradually. Many of the people I spend my time right now with would be confused when I said lonely but there are a few among them who will understand.

I had started to live a mentally solitary walk like this, a life of solitude, not as something that was forced upon me but as a choice I had taken to be away from some of the apparently good things that life provides with companionship of any kind, that later could end up hurting me or putting me in some kind of emotional swamp. There are still people who coax me to take my chances and fall in love, get close to people and believe that it wont always be the same and many other things. I do respect what they say but I am tied with enough reasons, not to couple the respect with action.

Its not about taking risks any more, it is about doing more in all that I have, and here I am referring to time. I had already wasted a lot of my time in emotions and the reason I thought to have a stoic life is to stop wasting time in thinking about anything that is counterproductive. It may sound impossible, and for some it may sound a harsh, unnecessary and an overly-thought decision; and both of the perspectives are not wrong.

Backing up the former perspective, it has not been completely implemented till now. I am still there, with a small part of me seeking out for friends and love, a small part of my brain still reacting to every slow song with sad or happy nostalgia; but I have seen some progress at least and I am happy at  where I am. I should not be stressing on “happy” as of now; I am still not sure of what kind of mixed emotional turbulence I go into sometimes, but yes at least, more productive it is. So yes, weeding out everything that deals with counterproductive emotions has not been a completely possible thing for now, but I have decided not to strain it any more – to keep things as they have become and now to rush or stress any more changes.
As for the second perspective, a harsh, and overly-thought decision it was, but not an unnecessary one; at least it was not how I felt about it, back then when I was framing a new set of rules to live by. And as far as overly-thought goes, then that is expected of me. That is what I do, that is how I am defined, and I absolutely don’t want to change that definition.

Why am I writing this right now? Did I feel nostalgic about something, or sad that I am lonely all of a sudden? Nope. I am alright. It is just that when you change from an introvert loner child to an overly expressive lad and then back to a man with every door of his mind shut close with only the occasional peep holes, speaking to yourself seems to be, sometimes, the best way to re-confirm your path. And that is what I am doing, just a reconfirmation before I resume my walk again on my ways of living.

As of now I don’t know if I will be changing anything or if I will be the same, but I am pretty sure that I wont be stressing towards anything that seems unnatural to my mind. I am going to keep it that simple, although avoiding some things specifically would always be there in the agenda. I cannot help that.

Usually I write such things, as a poem or something indirect. But as is evident, this entry is just direct, something random and I wanted to keep it that way. Hence the title – Just an entry.

Adios.

Humbling Uncertainties

I was going through some of the astronomy news and now I wish I should not have seen it.

In the past few months, or to be very specific, with the start of the new year, news of space rocks passing by the earth at very close quarters, and NASA and the big guys thanking Physics and God respectively for the rocks to not have come too close, have increased in frequency. For all I know, I must have been less aware of such news earlier and such incidences used to happen even before this. But even that chain of thought doesn’t make me feel very blessed.

If you think about it, all these space rocks are out there in the open, like wild unchained bulls, following nothing but the laws of physics, untamed by any human prayers and inconsiderate of the worth of what it may collide with. For all we know, there already might be many asteroids in their path, nonchalantly speeding towards unfortunate intersections of their trajectory and our planet’s orbit. Its not even that you can point and blame at someone for this, and even if you could, the damage that a single collision would make could be so huge that there would be no one left alive to point fingers.

Entire humanity wiped out, hopes and dreams flushed down to void and only tales of the afterlife comforting people at their very last second.

I read in one of the news that even NASA could not predict the coming of one of such rocks, so I wont be surprised if we all will be given just a last minute notice of the eventual doom one day. No warning, no evacuations, no preparations for the war, no Armageddon, just one last media coverage of people ready for their end, tears in their eyes, and hands holding their dearest.  I hope that at least then, all humanity will stand united and say each other farewell with no discriminations.

I know we are working towards machines that can deviate the path of such rocks, better ways of predicting such trajectories and a lot more, and as I write this there probably are a huge number of people working just towards it but still the thought of this gap of technology that overlap us right now scares me through my spines.

We think so highly of ourselves. Sharpest of the brains, explorers of the outer space, masters of using our resources, species with dreams and aims and a drive towards a better life, our zeal for adventure, our passion for love, the race towards greatness, that urge to leave a mark – all but just a speck, a tiny unnoticed speck on the vastness of chaos that surrounds us and doesn’t even consider us an entity worth to be threatened. We with all these self-appraised qualities might one day be dusted off like that one tiny imperceptible dot of dust particle, part of the dust that covers your coat’s shoulders and dusted off without a second thought, negligible enough to even have the tiniest of the roles in the giant play of the cosmos.

We still cannot cease to live, to dream and to form memories we would like to cherish and take to our grave. But with this reluctant but enlightening awareness of what goes on around us, far above and transcended by the small inequities and problems we face among us, all of a sudden, the uncertainty of life has reached new levels, and with it I find myself more humbled.
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